Over the past few weeks I’ve found that I’ve become increasingly frustrated with life in general. I thought that this was probably just due to the fact that I didn’t have a job; I didn’t have anything worthwhile to throw my energy into. There was nothing making me get up in the morning. Well now I do have a job. Actually, I have two. And life doesn’t have any more meaning than it did when I was unemployed. I’m not sure why I’m surprised by this fact, because it shouldn’t surprise me.
Yesterday was a turning point for me. I was caught up in a lot anxiety and basically wanting to be absolutely anywhere but here. Praise the Lord for friends I can talk things through with and who give me godly wisdom and insight. If it weren’t for Clay and Ty I still wouldn’t really have a clue what is going on or what I’m supposed to do about it.
When I was on SoD my relationship with God advanced in giant steps, and I found God in ways I never had when I was at home. I became a new creation. Yesterday I realized that I don’t know how to be that person when I’m at home. It’s not that I don’t feel free to be myself with my friends, I just don’t quite know where I fit anymore. I also realized that I was starting to fall back into some of my old habits and character traits: things that I definitely do not want back in my life. I think I was picking up on some of my old habits just so that I would know where I fit: so I would know what my role is. But that role is now one that I refuse to play. I see now that it’s good that I don’t know where I fit. I don’t want to be comfortable. Yesterday my friend Ty said to me: ” I think sometimes our worst enemy in seeking after God is comfort. That is what the world seeks, that is where the whole rest of the world spends their entire lives working towards and we don’t feel complete in a comfortable place as people living with the Spirit of God in us. We cannot, it’s impossible because the Spirit in us longs to take us deeper and out of our comfort zone to reach a burned out world.”
Ty also said to me: “I know you care about being near to God, I’ve seen it in you in the past and even with your frustrations with the “neutral gear” now. You know God has more for you and you are hungering for it but don’t know where to start.”
I think I’ve started now though. I’ve recognized (again) that my strength is not enough and that comfort will not carry me through life. I need to do something with my life, but more than that I need to be someone. I need to be someone seeking after the heart of God. “Service flows from worship. Always put worship before service, and service will result.”(Gareth Goosen)