Archive for September, 2003

Road Trip Of The Century

Friday, September 26th, 2003

I just arrived in Edmonton: yay! I had a sweeeeeet trip. I stopped in Vegreville to see the world’s largest Ukrainian Easter egg….incredible. And while I was there this guy was telling me about a giant sausage link in a nearby town…who can resist a giant sausage monument?? So off I went to Mundare to see SMP’s (don’t ask what that stands for, because I don’t know) monument to their amazing sausage making ability. And the people from the easter egg were at the sausage thing, so I got my picture taken with them. INCREDIBLE! If you’re ever in the market for a road trip, I highly recommend Vegreville and Mundare. Edmonton….not so much. The roads are terrible confusing. Boourns to Edmonton….:P

Welcome to my uncomfort zone

Tuesday, September 23rd, 2003

So here’s some shocking news: I will be leading a grade 8&9 girls Bible study this year at Dalmeny Community Church (the church I’ve gone to for the past 9 years). Anyone who knows me knows that I’m not the type to put myself out on a limb like that….I’m not really the teacher type. Or I never thought I was and never allowed myself to be that type. When I was in Melkbos (Atlantic South African town), I volunteered to lead one of the weekly Bible studies in my small group on SoD. I was totally shocked that I volunteered to do it, as was Jodie, my mentor. He was so pumped to see me take that step, so two weeks later when we were on the Wild Coast I lead a discussion about what it means to put your hope in God. Crazy, it actually went well. Jodie told me he thought it was a big step for me. And now look at me….I’m going to be leading a junior high girls bible study on Wednesday evenings. I’m more than a little intimidated by all this, but I think it will be really good as well. If you could please please please keep me in your prayers, I would so much appreciate it. THANK YOU! Shalom.

more on church

Saturday, September 20th, 2003

Last night I talked to Talitha, a friend of mine from SoD. It was so great to finally talk to her again. It’s crazy to me how our friendship always keeps going. We can not talk to each other for nearly a month, and then when we talk, we are still as close as ever.

She told me about a conversation she had with Cory a little while ago about SoD community. It continues to live after SoD has finished. When we are together it’s just like old times. We know what church is supposed to be: we have lived in community (oh that cursed word, haha). We know how church should be and now our challenge is to find community here at home.

I won’t settle for the definition of church that leaves me going to a building every Sunday morning with a bunch of people who don’t know me. Church is living in community and sharing experiences with people and learning from one another as you walk the journey of following Christ together. The Christian life is not a solitary walk: we are meant to walk it together. We need to share our lives with others. Yes, we have a personal relationship with Jesus, but I think that is often something we use to say “My walk is my business, mind your own.” And we don’t allow others to journey with us.

Today I was talking to my oldest sister Jean. We were talking about church and she’s finding herself in the same place I’m in: questioning just what the point of going to an institutional church is. She’s not feeling satisfied with the definiton of church we grew up with: and I’m so pumped to hear that. It’s so awesome to have her understand where I’m coming from. It’s so awesome to have someone in my family be pumped about me being part of a house church. Not to say that my family doesn’t want me to be part of the house church….but some of them have definite reservations. It’s good to feel supported.

A Man Who Hears God

Thursday, September 18th, 2003

In the past week I’ve been engaging in a bit of conversation with one of my regular customers at Burger King. Nearly every day he comes in during breakfast and orders a coffee. Then he sits at the back of the restaurant (same booth every day….you know how regulars are), and he reads his Bible that is overflowing with papers. His name is Hans. He doesn’t have a home. Everyday he walks to Burger King and McDonald’s and back to the truck cab that he lives in because “the Lord has called him to travel that one square mile of Saskatoon streets and minister to the people there.” He is a man of prayer, and a man of unexplainable joy. Out of having ‘nothing’ he has an everpresent smile on his face. He is always joyful. He is one of the most sincere people I have ever met. I bought him some toast this morning, and he told me it was an answer to prayer….on the way to BK he had been thinking about how chilly he was and how some toast would be really great to give him a bit of energy. And then he wished a blessing on my heart. He just keeps giving of everything he has. Hans is a man who really hears God.

Your young (wo)men will see visions…

Wednesday, September 17th, 2003

“In the last days, God says, I will pour out my Spirit on all people. Your sons and daughters will prophesy, your young men will see visions, your old men will dream dreams.” (Acts 2:17)

Last night I was at a praise and worship event that stereotrap was leading, and I had an incredible experience. I had a vision last night. I have never seen something so vividly and it was one of the most overwhelming things I have ever seen. On a whim they decided to play the song Poorest King by Ten Shekel Shirt, and during that song, God showed me something very very powerful. The chorus of the song goes:
To see him as he is
Without a veil between
Face to face again for all eternity.
I actually saw a glimpse of him as he really is, without a veil between, and it was one of the most shocking things I have ever seen. I would describe it here, but I fear it might lose its power to me if I reduced it to mere words. I saw Jesus. I saw his insane love and kindness in action and I am absolutely blown away by who Jesus is.

I will give to each one a white stone…

Sunday, September 14th, 2003

It seems that I somehow lost sight of the fact that I am a person worth loving. I see other people as beautiful and worthy of all the friends they have, but when it comes to me it’s like I can’t see why anyone would want to spend time with me. I’ve lost my identity. I’ve forgotten who I am. I’ve forgotten that I’m a beautiful person and that people really do love me. I’ve almost forgotten the girl I discovered in myself last year on SoD. I once again….have this inferiority complex or something. I don’t fully believe people when they tell me they care about me. I don’t believe them because I don’t fully believe I’m worth caring about. It’s not that I sense insincerity in others, but if I don’t love myself, then it’s impossible for others’ love for me to penetrate me.

I miss my SoD bubble more than I realized. It’s when I talk to my friends from SoD that I feel a little more whole. It’s then that I get flashes of who I am. I’m not Kim, I’m Kimbo. When people who know Kimbo are around, it is then that I feel really free to be who I really am. When people who knew Kim are around, I act like Kim. Kim and Kimbo are not the same person. Kim was a broken and hurting girl who always felt sorry for herself, Kimbo is a free and happy girl who sees she is beautiful and allows others to love her because of it.

I’ve bought into so many lies about my identity. “I can’t sing, I can’t draw, I can’t write, I can’t _______.” It’s all there. And it sucks.

“And I will give to each one a white stone, and on the stone will be engraved a new name…” (Rev. 2:17) God gave me a white stone with the name Kimbo engraved on it: that is my name, that is who I am. I hope I can realize that again.

Thanks LT

Sunday, September 14th, 2003

Why would your opinion be any less valid because you aren’t the next Martin Luther? I think you should share as long as you are sensitive and fair to the people involved. (Comment posted by LT on my last post)

You’re right. Ok, here goes. This is what got me upset yesterday:
I was out for supper at a local restaurant (an A&W that would like to remain annonymous…oh, oops…) yesterday with my mom and dad. There we were, sitting in the corner enjoying our food, myself with two Mama Burgers and my parents each with a Papa Burger and rootbeers. Yes that’s right, I said beer. So along comes this man with two of his kids and they sit down at the table behind me. He looks at me and says, “Hi, how’s it going?” It took me a while to figure out who it was, but then it clicked, he goes to the same institutional church that I am a member of. The same church that my parents attended until early this year. Later on he started talking to me again, asking what I’m doing this fall, so on and so forth. Then as we were leaving he said good-bye to me and then said to my dad, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”

Ok so what’s my Canadian beef? This:
He said hi to me and engaged conversation with me…but with my parents? Absolutely not. And why should he have? ….they don’t belong to the same ‘church’ as him anymore, so why would they be worth his time? What is that anyways?! My mom said they experienced the same thing with the last church we left (when I was 10). Even my dad’s cousin and his wife, two of my parents’ closest friends, didn’t want to talk to my parents for a while because they were leaving the “church”.

So….I don’t know if I was entirely sensitive and fair to the people involved here…..but that’s what got me frustrated yesterday, and what keeps me frustrated today.

Saturday, September 13th, 2003

Something happened today that really got me irate with the institutional church again….but I don’t think that I’ll get into it because I don’t want to seem whiny. Is that all we are when we raise our frustrations with things? I don’t really think it’s just whining….but still, I’m not really doing anything about it so then maybe it is. I don’t know.

Saturday, September 13th, 2003

I got hired at Starbucks!
I’ll be starting next month. Yay! I am so incredibly pumped about this. After so much hassle with them (they lost my resume and everything, therefore didn’t get back to me when they said they would, so I had to hassle them….) I finally win. So starting probably after my trip to Vancouver next month I’ll be working at Starbucks, and smelling like coffee, not greasy burgers at the end of a work day. Life is grand.

update on this busy little monkey

Tuesday, September 9th, 2003

I’m crazy busy with work again this week. I am scheduled for 54 hours of work between Superstore and Burger King. Craziness. Also, I had a job interview at Starbucks on Saturday, so I’m really hoping that works out: I should be finding out tomorrow. Coffee is my dream. I’d marry it if I could :) So if Starbucks works out then I would quit two of my three jobs. Horray!

I saw Ed again at work yesterday :) It was awesome, he is such a cool guy.

I realized today that little things are totally what life is made of. Little things have so much potential to bring so much joy, or so much frustration. Little things like going through a fast-food drive through and having the girl at the window tell you she’s buying your coffee today can brighten a rainy day when you’re on your way to a business meeting. Having a grumpy person demand money out of you and throw your coffee out the window can make you feel really frustrated with the world. Some people think working fast food is a retarded job….but I rather love it. If you can brighten someone’s day, that’s what it’s all about :)

(Hey, “would you like to try a double hamburger value meal today? it’s on special for $4.” Yeah, a downside to my job is that I will probably be dreaming about taking drive thru orders).

Friday, September 5th, 2003

i am empty and broken
trying to pick up my shattered heart
the wind is blowing but i feel no movement
i’ve lost the reason for my breath

as the hum
of a neon sign sings a song
to the shadows of 19th avenue
i can feel the darkness pull me in

i’m sitting here
waiting for an answer
that never seems to show its face
and i don’t know where to go from here

didn’t you see me falling?
didn’t you hear me scream?
didn’t you see me falling?
into a sea of endless tears.

Ed

Friday, September 5th, 2003

I’m back at Burger King. So right now I’m holding down 3 jobs, and BK is full time…..I don’t know if I can do this! Anyway, I’m not here to contemplate my resiliance, so I’ll get on with it. I was sitting outside on my lunch break this afternoon, when a man sat down at another outside table with a burger and a coffee. His clothes were filthy, his face was scruffy, his hands looked like they hadn’t seen soap in a few months, and he kept bowing his head down every so often as he whispered things to himself. People inside were probably glad he was outside. They wouldn’t want to see him because he would make them uncomfortable. He would disturb their picture perfect world of perfect people who “have it all together”. I sat there and knew I was supposed to go talk to him. So after a few minutes I did. His name is Ed. He used to be a truck driver. He has a daughter who is 15 and he never gets to see her. You know what is the most important thing I know about him? He is beautiful. God sees Ed as a beautiful man, and God gave me His eyes this afternoon. I saw beauty in Ed. I saw in Ed what exists at the core of us all: the need and desire to be loved. I saw the way his face lit up when I asked if I could sit with him. He was happy to be noticed, happy to be someone. And on my drive home I realized something else: Ed needs no more saving than I do. We are the same. Well, I knew that in theory, but talking to Ed cemented that truth in my mind. Grace just keeps becoming more and more mysterious to me.

Spirit of Religion

Wednesday, September 3rd, 2003

I’ve been feeling distant from God recently. I never read my Bible, I never pray (well, very rarely)…I’ve just lost passion or something. I’ve become so caught up with not bowing to the spirit of religion that I’ve become religious about being nonreligious (does that make sense?) My mind is so wrapped up with my ideal of simplistic and practical living that I’ve lost the reason for which I wanted to live simply in the first place. God calls us to a life of self-abandonment: denying ourselves and living in the light of the Son. God calls us to deny the world and live in his glory. I need to deny the things I want and live on what I need: God will supply everything we need. We need to stop trying to cover our asses and stop trying to make life comfortable for ourselves. I just….yeah, I get so caught up in this whole thing that I lose my passion for the source of it. God is at the root of my passion for simple living, yet my passion for Him has diminished. I don’t have a clue if I am making sense.

Question of the Day

Wednesday, September 3rd, 2003

Why do people concern themselves with dating relationships? Why go through all the frustration and confusion and mixed emotion? My real question of the day: why do people get married? I’m at such a loss. Help.

Life’s soundtrack

Tuesday, September 2nd, 2003

Behold the lyrics to my two theme songs at the moment. These sum up where I am at….where my thoughts are and can’t seem to move away from.

I’ll take your words as if you were talking to me.
Say what I know you’ll say and say it through your teeth.
With pride keep every failure in.
And with pride hold on to the sinking.
Now in the deep and down your heart moves.
Now in the deep and down, I don’t know how but I know I want out.
Wait for something better.
Will I know when it can be us?
Maybe that doesn’t mean us.
Wait for something better?
I shouldn’t, it’s not enough.
Pull one excuse from another.
Just one excuse from another.
This time it means us. stop.

(“Clarity”, Jimmy Eat World)

Carve your heart out yourself
Hopelessness is your cell
Since you’ve drawn out these lines
Are you protected from trying times?

Man it takes a silly girl to lie about the dreams she has
Lord it takes a lonely one to wish that she had never dreamt at all
Oh Lord, now, there you go with hope again
Oh, you’re so sure I’ll be leaving in the end

Dig a ditch deep enough
To keep you clear of the sun
You’ve been burned more than once
You don’t think much of trust

Man it takes a silly girl to lie about the dreams she has
Lord it takes a lonely one to wish that she had never dreamt at all
Oh Lord, now, there you go with hope again
But I’ll be sure your secret is safe with me
Oh, you’re so sure I’ll be leaving in the end
Treating me like I’m already gone

But I’m not, I will stay where you are always
I will stay, I will stay, I will stay (all of now)

(“Carve your heart out yourself”, Dashboard Confessional)

The bit about “silly girl…lonely girl” really hit me. I’m still trying to figure out which one I am