It seems that I somehow lost sight of the fact that I am a person worth loving. I see other people as beautiful and worthy of all the friends they have, but when it comes to me it’s like I can’t see why anyone would want to spend time with me. I’ve lost my identity. I’ve forgotten who I am. I’ve forgotten that I’m a beautiful person and that people really do love me. I’ve almost forgotten the girl I discovered in myself last year on SoD. I once again….have this inferiority complex or something. I don’t fully believe people when they tell me they care about me. I don’t believe them because I don’t fully believe I’m worth caring about. It’s not that I sense insincerity in others, but if I don’t love myself, then it’s impossible for others’ love for me to penetrate me.
I miss my SoD bubble more than I realized. It’s when I talk to my friends from SoD that I feel a little more whole. It’s then that I get flashes of who I am. I’m not Kim, I’m Kimbo. When people who know Kimbo are around, it is then that I feel really free to be who I really am. When people who knew Kim are around, I act like Kim. Kim and Kimbo are not the same person. Kim was a broken and hurting girl who always felt sorry for herself, Kimbo is a free and happy girl who sees she is beautiful and allows others to love her because of it.
I’ve bought into so many lies about my identity. “I can’t sing, I can’t draw, I can’t write, I can’t _______.” It’s all there. And it sucks.
“And I will give to each one a white stone, and on the stone will be engraved a new name…” (Rev. 2:17) God gave me a white stone with the name Kimbo engraved on it: that is my name, that is who I am. I hope I can realize that again.