Inner Battles

Again, unconsciously, I have been trying to push one of the people closest to me away. I go on these stupid self-pity trips of mine and I convince myself that I am not a person worth loving. That I am completely worthless. And I try to convince others of this. But the strong are not convinced.

Hmm…it’s like…ok, I become positive that I am an unlovely person and that no one will ever really love me. Sooner or later they will figure out just how big of a waste of time I am and they will drop me and never look back. That is a huge fear for me. So I try to brace myself for that inevitability, so that it will hurt less. I don’t want to get close to people because I am sure they will abandon me. Yet I want more than anything to be close to people. I wear my heart on my sleeve more often than not, because I want so badly to be accepted and loved. I have struggled with this for over two years now. When I was on SoD I thought I had finally gotten past it. But it appears I most certainly have not. I still lose my identity. I still believe I don’t matter. I know that is not me, but when I am stuck in that self-pity mode, neither I nor anyone else can convince me of anything different. I am worthless and that is all there is to it. Until I smarten up and realize how irrational I am being.

Who are these people who love me and refuse to let me go? And what the heck is wrong with them?

11 Responses to “Inner Battles”

  1. Clay Says:

    You already know that I’m one of those people who love you and refuse to let you go. I know that during those self-pity trips that you’re not fully yourself. But still l know that you’re inside, lost, but still alive, waiting to come out. You know I’ll wait for you to come back out every time…You matter so much to me Kim, I love you!

  2. Alicia Green Says:

    As much as it may seem this way, the way you’re feeling right now isn’t as uncommon as you think. I can relate to almost everything you said in this post, and I know how hard it can be to let someone get close to you. All I can ever think about in my relationships is that I’m letting them see too much of what I really am, and it scares me so much. That’s happened to me in the past, so I did push people away, and ruined some of my most valuable relationships. But I know that hiding who you are won’t make anyone love you. If you want people to love you, then they have to know who you are, even if you don’t know that girl yourself. But I think that if you’re able to build close relationships, these people might understand the person that you are better than you do, and they’re choosing to love you. I know how hard it can be, but the best thing you can do is to accept that they love you, and appreciate it for what it is. When I see people who who feel the way you do it tears my up because I can see that there are people out there who love them for what they are, but they can’t see the things in themselves that are so worth loving. I know there are things about you that you can’t see, but you have to trust that they’re there. I hope that helps, even if only a little bit.

  3. Atcho Says:

    Myo… I love you. I’m sorry we’ve “drifted” in this past month but I still love you.

  4. Jer Olson Says:

    You know what Kim? Just the fact that you have discussed this in a public site shows that you don’t actually believe those things. There are tons of things that make you lovable. Those of us who still love you do so because we too are unlovable but there is still One who loves us. If you ever feel like digging deeper into this area of your life, it might help you to ask yourself: who was the first person that “abandoned” you and is there still a wedge between you? It might lead to nowhere but then again, it might lead to somewhere. You are loved Kimmy.

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