Again, unconsciously, I have been trying to push one of the people closest to me away. I go on these stupid self-pity trips of mine and I convince myself that I am not a person worth loving. That I am completely worthless. And I try to convince others of this. But the strong are not convinced.
Hmm…it’s like…ok, I become positive that I am an unlovely person and that no one will ever really love me. Sooner or later they will figure out just how big of a waste of time I am and they will drop me and never look back. That is a huge fear for me. So I try to brace myself for that inevitability, so that it will hurt less. I don’t want to get close to people because I am sure they will abandon me. Yet I want more than anything to be close to people. I wear my heart on my sleeve more often than not, because I want so badly to be accepted and loved. I have struggled with this for over two years now. When I was on SoD I thought I had finally gotten past it. But it appears I most certainly have not. I still lose my identity. I still believe I don’t matter. I know that is not me, but when I am stuck in that self-pity mode, neither I nor anyone else can convince me of anything different. I am worthless and that is all there is to it. Until I smarten up and realize how irrational I am being.
Who are these people who love me and refuse to let me go? And what the heck is wrong with them?