part of the bigger picture

I am home, safe and not quite sound… not sound because my back is in shambles from carrying 50 pounds of weight around on my back for the past week. Other than that, I’m doing well.

Clay and I got back on Thursday night, and have been just laying low and trying to get over our jet lag since then. Getting our flights home changed to come back early was a bit stressful at times….it was fine from Frankfurt to Toronto, but for some odd reason, all the flights to Saskatoon from the Tdot were full for like 2 days. Seriously, who comes to Saskatoon?? I guess people are wising up to the fact that this is the place to be. So we were on standby and praise be to God, we got on the first flight somehow. Lots of prayer. I still have rug-burn.

So now I am going to still take a few weeks off work and just re-evaluate the way I’m doing things here. I know there are some changes in store for the way life at home looks for me, so I need to prayerfully consider what those things are. I might *might* head over to Winnipeg this week for a quick visit, then out to Edmonton next weekend to take Clay back to his family for a while….before I take him away again. Mwahahaha :)

Cheers, I’ll probably be seeing a lot of you around soon.

It feels like some people think that because I am going home I am just running away from……something.
Let me tell you how I see it:
I feel as though God has used my week here to open my eyes to things I was too blind to see when I was at home. I kept telling myself, “I need to work on this….I’ll deal with it when I get to Sweden” blah blah blah. So God whacked me on the head and taught me some stuff that I now have to put into practice. I don’t think I should be staying here for 3 months living in a superficial world. There is a time and place to live in that world, and I had that on SoD. I should be applying what I know to real life, not seeking more opportunities to leave home. I am ready to rise to the challenge of seeking God daily, not just when I am away from home on a ‘spiritual high’.

So call me a coward if you want to, I don’t think that’s what I am.

I know, it doesn’t make sense that I would plan on coming out here for 3 months and then leave after a week. It doesn’t make sense at all. At first this started with just being frustrated with the huge lack of organization here (they’ve known for months that I was coming, and yet there was nothing really lined up for me to work on). That bugged me. I mean, I came here to work, and then I wasn’t doing anything. It just kept getting put off. Which is fine, but I’m not paying to be here, so I’m just mooching off of the money that people donate to YWAM and that didn’t sit well with me either. On top of that, I feel kinda dispensable here…..like a lot of the people here aren’t really that busy with stuff, that if and when they actually did find something for me to do, it could easily be done by someone else. I mean, it doesn’t take an expert to paint walls. I don’t think that God needs a Canadian to come all the way to Sweden to paint, when there are plenty of other people who could do it.

I don’t regret having come here. I have learned quite a bit already for only having been here a week, and am glad I came. I feel refreshed. The thing is, my heart is with people at home. That is where I feel God calling me to serve Him: home is the most uncomfortable place for me to be a servant, and that is where I need to be. I don’t know if that is making sense. I mean, missions is always something built up to be some big theatrical thing where you have to go away and minister to people in some distant land. Nevermind that some people leave their homes to come to Canada to be missionaries….I think it’s more effective when you can be a servant in your own culture. It is uncomfortable to be a light in the places where people know you best, but it is necessary. With all the money spent to send people overseas, so much could be done right where we are!! And so:! I don’t feel like I should be here. I feel like I should be at home getting involved with “missions” there. Not clinging to an organization, but clinging to God.

So that’s my story. I’ll be home….soon.

I’m going home early. Much earlier.
Things………things changed. Were not as I expected………yeah, I just don’t feel good about being here.
I’ll post more later, or maybe just when I’m home.
(If your name is Jude, or isn’t but you are still related to me somehow and want to know what the heck is going on, give Mom a call, she knows what is happening).

I had a bit of a breakdown today…a little bit of a rant at God. I was angry about the fact that I am so far away from Clay. In June, the Lord asked me to go to Sweden, so I said yes. Then soon after, I started dating Clay. So I questioned whether I should go to Sweden, but concluded that I should still go. THEN, I got engaged, and I still came here. WHY?? Why Lord, have you brought me to the other side of the world and asked me to leave the person I love the most? Then I said something like, “And now I’m just supposed to wait patiently for the Lord to reveal my purpose here???” That’s when it hit me. Patience. Just yesterday I was talking to Clay on MSN. We were talking about how this distance and time apart, though difficult, will be good for our relationship. He already sees it making his ability to communicate grow, and I asked him what he thought I should be working on. You know what he said?

Patience.

I suck at being patient. Fully, I suck. But I want to be better at it. I want to have patience…..but acquiring this fruit is going to be painful. Argh. But I want it, and I will go through whatever refining fires the Lord places in my path in order to bring me to the place he wants me to be at. I want my character to grow into that of a true woman of God.

I still question why the Lord asked me to come to Sweden…I mean, couldn’t this work on me be done somewhere else? But apparently not…..maybe I’ll never know why I’m here of all places. Please keep me in your prayers. That I would continue to seek the face of God in this land of newness and infamiliar faces.

Hey, just want to let you all know that I arrived in Sweden yesterday morning safe and sound. Had a bit of a scare that I wouldn’t make my flight because I was late getting into Frankfurt and thought I might miss my connecting flight into Gothenburg, but the Lord worked everything out. I’m here, I’m safe, and I’m lonely and a little emotional….oh well, tears are alright. I miss Clay like crazy. I miss familiarity. But alas, soon this place will become familiar to me as well.

How many small groups actually do go out into their community and work to reach out to the “unchurched”? well, maybe it would be better for these people to stay unchurched, unspoiled by the ravages of the institution. maybe it would be better for “good people” who are focused on loving others to just continue to love others. love for others is love for God. perhaps they are closer followers of christ than we give them credit for. perhaps their love for others will be counted as righteousness.

what about the people who don’t go to church religiously, but who clothe the naked and feed the hungry? what will God have to say to them. Jesus said, “you will know them by their fruit” this is the most distinguishable characteristic of people in the Spirit: you will know them by their fruit. so let’s say you have a person working the 9-5 workweek/prison, seeking material comfort and going to an evangelical church every sunday, claiming, “i have been born again.”
let’s also say you have a person working in the inner city, working with hurting people, homeless people, hungry people. This person works to help these hurting people feel like they matter, like they are real people too, instead of trying to sweep them under the rug of society. oh yeah, and this person doesn’t go to church every sunday. this person does not claim to be “born again”.

which one is bearing fruit of the Spirit?
Who is closer to salvation?
Just what is the deal with this thing we call Grace??

I’m getting married :)
Clay asked me yesterday. So yeah, I’m going to be a Bitner :):):)
I’m not one for gooshy details, so this is all I’m saying.