Archive for August, 2005

Running from self

Monday, August 1st, 2005

Have I been running away from myself lately? Impossible….yet probable.
Even though I still often don’t know who I even am, I’ve felt disconnected lately. And unreal.
I haven’t wanted to face what’s inside. I don’t know what’s in there, and am afraid of knowing. Or maybe I do know what’s in there, and am afraid of what I know is there. At any rate, I’ve been watching a lot of TV lately to avoid whatever is inside. Pretty dumb, I know. :)

Well, Clay is off in Dalmeny practicing with his new band, and here I was, getting ready for another date night with the TV. I was helping him carry his guitar gear out to the car, wishing it would rain (singing my wish in Phil Collins fashion). I was sort of pouty, “what am I going to do??” and Clay suggested I play guitar. Yeah, maybe, I thought. But I did. Until my fingers bled (well they didn’t really bleed, but they are pretty tender!) And I sang my heart out.
And it felt great :)
I have avoided music for far too long. It is an important part of me that I have pushed away, for some reason. I intend not to do that anymore.

And now, in true Jesus fashion, the sky is letting loose some rain, and some thunder and lightning, just for me!
Thank you Jesus! I’ll try not to run away from who you’ve made me to be: a pregnant, musical, rain-lover.