I will give to each one a white stone…

It seems that I somehow lost sight of the fact that I am a person worth loving. I see other people as beautiful and worthy of all the friends they have, but when it comes to me it’s like I can’t see why anyone would want to spend time with me. I’ve lost my identity. I’ve forgotten who I am. I’ve forgotten that I’m a beautiful person and that people really do love me. I’ve almost forgotten the girl I discovered in myself last year on SoD. I once again….have this inferiority complex or something. I don’t fully believe people when they tell me they care about me. I don’t believe them because I don’t fully believe I’m worth caring about. It’s not that I sense insincerity in others, but if I don’t love myself, then it’s impossible for others’ love for me to penetrate me.

I miss my SoD bubble more than I realized. It’s when I talk to my friends from SoD that I feel a little more whole. It’s then that I get flashes of who I am. I’m not Kim, I’m Kimbo. When people who know Kimbo are around, it is then that I feel really free to be who I really am. When people who knew Kim are around, I act like Kim. Kim and Kimbo are not the same person. Kim was a broken and hurting girl who always felt sorry for herself, Kimbo is a free and happy girl who sees she is beautiful and allows others to love her because of it.

I’ve bought into so many lies about my identity. “I can’t sing, I can’t draw, I can’t write, I can’t _______.” It’s all there. And it sucks.

“And I will give to each one a white stone, and on the stone will be engraved a new name…” (Rev. 2:17) God gave me a white stone with the name Kimbo engraved on it: that is my name, that is who I am. I hope I can realize that again.

12 Responses to “I will give to each one a white stone…”

  1. Clay Says:

    Here’s hoping that you keep realizing that you ARE Kimbo…the wonderful person worth loving!

  2. Atcho Says:

    Kimbo, Kimmi, Kimberly, Myo, it doesn’t matter by what name you are called… you are one of the most amazing people I have ever had the privledge of knowing. I don’t think that one name or nickname could possibly define you. You are who you are. You are so worth loving it’s not even funny. I love you to death and I wouldn’t blow sunshine up your bum. Girl I’ve been telling you this for the past few years! You’re amazing and special and beautiful on the inside and out. It doesn’t matter by what name you are called… “If but a rose was called by any other name, would it smell as sweet?” You know what I’m trying to quote. The point is that you are loveable and special no matter by what name you go by. I’ve seen all “sides” or names you go by. I’ve seen almost every part of your personality. It doesn’t mean that one name defines you. Everyone has a not so nice side of them that they don’t like, it’s ok. It just makes you more loveable! Trust me! I love you!

    Hey sweets wanna hook me up with some emotiocons?

  3. G Says:

    I read this post and was a little suprised that you would ever have those kinds of feelings about yourself. I don’t know you well enough to understand that though. I understand what you’re feeling though, in the sense that you’re having trouble understanding who you are. I’ve been struggling with that for a few years now, but it’s a little bit different for me. I started hating myself and believing that I wasn’t worth loving simply because that’s the response I got from other people. They’ve proven to me, over time that all of the things I hate most about myself are true. I wanted so badly to be good enough for people that I tried to change myself, and become someone that people can love, but I lost who I was, and now I just don’t know. I just hope that you won’t be too discouraged by this, because if there are people who are willing to love you, then you obviously have more to offer than you think. Don’t let it weigh down on you the way I let it weigh down on me, because it’s only left me with depression, negativity, and more alone than I’ve ever felt before.

  4. Kimbo Says:

    I know all to well what you mean about the feelings of self hatred, depression and negativity: i was there for years. I’ve pulled through it now, but every once in a while I suffer a short term identity crisis. I’m doing alright now. And I hope you are too, G. I know it is a long hard battle to fight, and the only way we can truly whip it is with God. I”m praying for you. You are most definitely a person worthy of being loved. Don’t ever believe otherwise.

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