Warning: This won’t make much sense. My brain’s all over the place.
I’m in Vancouver right now. I took off from home for 9 days to spend some time with my sister Jude, and to see a bunch of my friends from SoD that I haven’t seen for a while. It’s been good and yet…it’s been strange. I wake up without much of a purpose for the day, and it’s a really empty feeling. Like I don’t have a clue what I am supposed to do. I hate not having a purpose. It’s all fine and good to get up and email people and read blogs and post (though the latter doesn’t happen all too often… :) but I lack motivation to do much. I came out here to see people, yet at the same time, seeing people seems a chore.
On Sunday I went down to Bellingham, WA to have supper with Deanna, Tyler, Jordon, Tiff, Joe, and Jeph. It was great to be back with these people who I was with all last year on SoD. Most of the time I felt like I totally belonged and that things were super. And then there were times where I was like, “Oh man, I don’t know these people at all….they don’t know me at all.” And things would feel totally off. And then things would be great, then off. And I’m sitting there wondering, “why am I even here? This is awfully awkward…”
Then on the way back to my sister’s place, Jordon dropped me off at a skytrain station in New West and I took the train back to Vancouver to my sister’s place….and the whole time I was really uneasy about riding the train at night by myself. I’ve never been freaked out to do anything like that. In past visits I have been totally up for testing my independance and experiencing the city by myself. But that evening I was freaked out to be there by myself. Freaked out to get off the train and have to walk two blocks back to my sister’s condo. It was creepy.
I’m feeling disconnected. And I don’t like it.
Tonight’s cool though because I’m chilling with Cameron and Matt…gonna get in on some good pipe smoking action. Maybe I’ll feel better once I smoke a bowl. Then again, maybe not.
I went to church on Saturday evening at the biggest church in the greater Vancouver area….arg.
Let me just say that I’m bummed out that I won’t be able to make to the house church on Thursday.
I miss you Saskatchewan.